Before social distancing I rarely worked from home and when I did my fiancé, Phil, would usually have class. The first few times I worked from home while he was here, it ended in us fighting and him escaping. We wanted to be like one of those TV couples working from home while eating snacks and binging shows but that was our reality. Our one bedroom apartment doesn’t have the room to fit a working couple and their bad attitudes. I got more fighting in than actual work done.
It became such a problem that we ended up anxious and not excited about any upcoming work from home days. This was the wake up call we needed. We slowly started implementing new steps and communication styles to help maneuver sharing a small space and working all without biting each other’s heads off. Thankfully we created this system before quarantine. We’ve tested our method as it’s now week three of us working from home.
Here is how we have managed to stay a happy couple, keep productive, and sane while working from home in a one bedroom apartment.
Say It But Say It With Love
For couples working from home this isn’t the time to add stubbornness to an already messy situation.
There might be things that you think your partner should just know but in this time of love under quarantine, focus on improving your communication skills. Remember your partner is not a mindreader, and being patient with each other especially in times of uncertainty is an intentional act of love.
To be gentle and compassionate does not mean you have to keep things to yourself. Be direct about your wants and needs. Talk to each other with respect and patience and be open to receive feedback about your own annoying behavior.
Tell them if their pen clicking makes you want to poke them in the eye, or when you’ve had enough of them leaning over to interrupt your workflow to show you COVID- 19 memes. “I’ve got to focus on this, I’ll let you know when I’m done”, is simple and efficient.
It’s better to be transparent then to have lingering pent-up frustration as the third. In this apartment space is limited and there is no room for resentment, lack of communication, or pettiness.
Check in regularly with each other. “How can I help?” “what do you need?” “sorry, work is stressful, can I make you a cup of tea?” Or my personal favorite, “Relax, I’ll clean this up”
Avoid Micromanaging
For couples working from home: Mind ya business and stay in your lane if you see me browsing Pinterest during my working hours.
Unless help was asked for, don’t act like their manager or nosy coworker and peep over their shoulder.
You are a couple, not their boss, teacher, or mother. It’s not our job to make sure that they’re doing what they “should be” doing at work.
I say this now because in the past I’ve been very guilty of this. Phil would tell me he’s studying for a test and when I looked over, I’d see him playing a game. I, not one to bite my tongue, would say something snarky or disapproving like “that doesn’t look like studying!” I’ve learned this created feelings of judgement and mistrust. Which in turn made him not shy about catching me slipping. What I really wanted to do was to help him reach his goals by keeping him accountable. Good intentions don’t always come out the way you want them to.
I didn’t know that he rationed his breaks and study time and what I saw was a scheduled break. Stop to ask how their day is going before commenting on their productivity. What might look like slacking off could be a palate cleanser after a tough work situation or an intentional break.
My therapist taught us to shift our tone and mindset to be curious not judgmental. A lot of fights can be avoided if we ask rather than assume.
Curiosity is a major part of communication between a couple and without it, it can cause us to jump to conclusions, judge the other person, and make assumptions. In essence, without curiosity we are stopping ourselves from seeing the whole picture and this causes unneeded animosity – Curiosity killed the cat no it can save your relationship
Keep It Clean
Essential tip for couples working from home in small spaces.
Keeping your apartment clean and clutter- free are key ingredients to a happy relationship but it also facilitates better productivity while working from home. Even though we are going through a pandemic and practicing social distancing it’s important to not feel imprisoned. Feeling trapped while in a messy or untidy space breeds anxiety, restlessness, and for me, grumpiness.
What works for us is spending 5-10 minutes before bed to tidy up the living room, wipe down counters, and load the dishwasher. An empty sink is my love language and I have made sure that P knows that. Waking up to a clean space is like starting with a blank slate.
As a rule we run the dishwasher before bed and empty it every morning before starting work. We avoid a full sink by dropping dishes or one off spoons and forks into the dishwasher throughout the day. If you don’t have a dishwasher make a schedule where dishes are done multiple times a day.
Living in a small apartment means that even tiny messes tend to feel overwhelming quickly. To keep things tidy all day means mentally making sure items go back to ”their home”. Coats are hung up, shoes are not scattered around the door, and snacks are put away.
Maybe you’re more chill than I am but when in work mood I can’t seem to turn a blind eye to the open bag of chips on the coffee table, the cabinets that have been left wide open, or the pair of sweatpants discarded in the corner.
I learned pretty quickly that for the sake of my future marriage and sanity, I needed to stop internally asking myself “he’s just going to leave it like this???” and communicate that a clean work space is a happy home AND a clean home is a happy work space.
Find A Work Setup That Works
Easier said than done for couples working in studios or one bedroom apartments
If you don’t have a sweet desk set-up or even multiple rooms claiming a space can be tricky especially when faced with living and working in a small apartment. The options are the bed, the couch, or the one small “dining room” table. The bed is bad for the posture and morale which leaves the couch and table. Now you would think the table is the obvious solution for two working adults. However, when your partner is a fidgeter or needs the table to spread out then off to the couch you go. To keep it fair we rotate who gets to save their back.
Set Expectations
If you like to start the day alone then make sure you know when your partner will be up. P is a nursing student so his schedule changes daily. With COVID-19 and us being home all day, knowing if he plans on being up at 7:30 and with both of us having to log on by 8:30 I will either plan to wake up earlier than him to get some me time or wake up with him to start our day together.
Knowing each other’s start time while also giving ourselves an hour or more before logging on gives us an opportunity to go over our work day and set expectations on after work activities.
We have this chat over breakfast or while we unload the dishwasher. Use the morning to discuss deadlines and set the tone for the day. Give your partner a heads up if you can’t be distracted.
Go over the times of your conference calls and zoom meetings since that will require the other person to be quiet, scarce, and to not play violent video games in the background. This has looked like me hiding in the bedroom with my laptop as he took an exam that required him to have his camera and mic on.
He enjoys afternoon runs to get out of the apartment and I take lunch from 12-1. Maybe I’ll join him, or do my own workout in the living room, or maybe, I’ll decide that day to soak in some alone time. Going over the full work day and discussing after work plans helps us plan meals together, workouts, and have proper expectations of how we as a couple and as individuals will use our time.
Still Spend Time Together
Just because couples live and now work at home together doesn’t mean they should stop actively spending time together.
In an era of social distancing you don’t want to be distant socially from your partner.
Yes, I know you have seen just each other and your own walls for the past several days or weeks but creating space in your day for intentional quality time is still a priority in a healthy relationship. You want to feel excited about logging off and spending time with your partner and best friend. Make dinner together, do workouts together, tackle a home project, and reward yourselves with watching three episodes of whatever you’re binging.
If you usually have date night on Friday then keep that same routine. You can have date nights while being in quarantine. Do something different like a pizza cook off and end the night with board games. Dress up for a fancy date night in. Play a romantic playlist on Spotify, and have dinner by candle light (swoon). Just don’t forget that you actually enjoy being together!
Seek Out Alone Time
With social distancing in place, couples working from home need to find ways to be alone together.
Thanks to COVID-19 the only alone time I am getting is when P braves the germ filled world to get groceries or goes for a run. Even though we are never more than a remote toss away from each other it’s important to do our own thing. You don’t have the commute home anymore to decompress from work before home life starts, so it’s essential to seek out time for yourself. Don’t forget about self-care.
My favorite alone time is in the morning before he wakes up where I can sit quietly with my thoughts, water my plants, or work on blog posts. Most nights after work and before dinner we break off and do our own thing. I’d go find something in the bedroom to organize, facetime with a friend, or lay on the couch on my phone while he does his own thing three feet away.
There will be nights where one or both will need more me time and we adjust so those needs are met.
You’re In This Together
To the thousands of couples working from home and navigating cohabitating in a time of crisis, this doesn’t have to be a strain on your relationship.
No, we don’t have the luxury of multiple rooms or even a backyard to sneak off to. No, we can’t control how much time at home we are getting, or when we will be back to separate work and home lives, but remembering that there is no one else I would rather quarantine with keeps things in perspective.
Feeling overwhelmed? Check out 5 Ways to declutter your mind
With Love,
Dani