Check yourself
The pandemic really highlighted who the people in my life were. Yes, we might not have spoken to each other as much as we once did, or we didn’t see each other as much. However, the energy, care, and love put into my friendships were still the same.
This past year made it very easy to reflect on my friendships. It allowed me to consider who was really there for me, compared to those who were just there because it was easy or fun for them.
Now that things are opening up again, I think this is the perfect time to reevaluate your friendships. But more importantly, I challenge you to evaluate what kind of friend you were in those friendships.
We know how important it is to surround ourselves with people who bring out our best selves.
“Your Vibe Attracts Your Tribe.”
How many times have we seen this quote circulating around social media? A lot because it’s accurate AF. Who you associate and surround yourself with matters. We deserve to be around people who make us better, wiser, kinder, and more ambitious people. However, we also need to be the energy we want to attract.
When you operate on self-love, you seek out people who respect your time, energy, and boundaries. But you should ask yourself, are you extending the same courtesy to your friends?
We never want to be so focused on our own journey that we unknowingly commit the same offenses that we deem toxic in other people. This is your self-awareness check-in: are you the toxic friend?
Toxic Friend Traits
Toxic friends are the gossiper, the nitpicker, and the “told you so” Susans. Has your friend ever said, “See, that’s why I didn’t want to tell you!”
Yes, it is hard to witness your friend make the same avoidable mistakes over and over again. However, I want my friends to feel like I am a safe, judgment-free person to go to.
Don’t be that friend that always has to have it her way. No one wants to be friends with someone who always pouts or gets an attitude.
Now, I love a good cup of hot tea like any other red-blooded woman. But when it always feels like the tea is hot at any woman’s expense, that’s a red flag. You’re sipping on danger, friend! I don’t want my friend to question if I’m gossiping about them to someone else.
You Have Some Toxic Traits Too, Boo
I am a work in progress. I know this, I accept this, and I work hard to keep evolving. However, I am in the process of letting go of traits that no longer serve me. I am actively working to reinforce the person I am becoming. And I accomplish this by doing regular check-ins with myself.
Great questions to ask yourself when checking your toxicity levels are:
- How do you talk to your friends?
- Are you sarcastic or quick to pass judgment?
- When you connect with them, are you only talking about yourself?
- Are you happy for them, do you encourage them?
A good friend apologizes when they are wrong. After an interaction doesn’t feel right, you should open yourself up to a discussion. Try saying, “I feel like I might have unintentionally hurt your feelings when I said/ did that, so I wanted to check in to make sure.”
Maybe you’re overthinking, and everything is fine. However, your friend will appreciate the fact that you checked in. Thus, opening the door for more open and honest conversations in the future.
Say what you mean. No one has time for hidden messages or passive-aggressive digs. It seems like it’s trendy to be ruthless, savage, or uncaring, but this will not gain you authentic friendships. You will end up surrounding yourself with toxic, draining, and selfish energy.
A good friend is honest without being overly opinionated and knows how to support their friends while also giving them space and safety to walk their own path.
Toxic friends don’t Respect their Friend’s Time
Punctuality and I are not friends. I try very hard to be on time, but it’s a struggle. Luckily my friends know this about me, but I still apologize every time I’m late because I do not own my friend’s time.
If you know you are the type of friend that is always running late, do not let them sit around waiting for you. If you schedule an 11:00 AM brunch, do your best to be there on time. Don’t lie and say you’re on your way if you’re still at home doing your makeup. Your friends have lives too, which means they probably had to move and re-prioritize other things to see you. So be mindful of their time, energy, and the potential that you are not their only priority. Their day is not dedicated to you. You don’t own your friends’ time.
Toxic Friends are bad listeners
Ask your friends about themselves. Ask them about their feelings, their work, their challenges, their wins, and their family. Ask them real questions and really listen. No one wants to be the ears to a one-sided conversation. Don’t be that person that only talks about themselves, or finds a way to shift the conversation back to them. This is a red flag for superficial friendships.
Learn how to be a better listener. Active listening is a skill that the majority of us don’t have. Talk about stuff that matters. I love to get deep and vulnerable with my friends. I want to talk about nail color, finance goals, summer trends we love, and the normalization of burnout culture.
Toxic Friends Can’t Read the Room
If my friend just got done telling me about her third bad bumble date in a row, I would safely assume that now was not the best time to talk about my wedding planning.
If your friend just went through a life changing event such as a breakup or death in the family, don’t text them links to expensive vacation spots or invite them out to dinner.
Find out what they need and offer ideas on how to meet them on their level. Maybe that’s you picking up takeout and a bottle of wine. Show up to their apartment and offer a shoulder to cry on.
Be a Supporter and a Pusher
Some friends gently remind you about your goals, but I am a straight up pusher. I do it because I care! Toxic friends don’t care about their friend’s goals or dreams. There is a special place in hell for people who let their friends look bad on purpose (Dramatic? Maybe, but I don’t care).
If you tell me your goal, I’m going to hold you accountable. I know when I tell my girl, “I really need to finish my work before my deadline”, I can count on her to stop my stream of meme tagging. You should encourage your friend’s growth and call them out when you see them ignoring their goals or responsibilities.
How can you support their dreams?
You can offer to go to that Zoom workout class with them? Yeah, you might hate group fitness and double hate virtual fitness, but having a workout buddy would make her fitness journey easier. A win for my friend is a win for me. Friendships are about being each other’s positive and encouraging voices. We have to remind each other that we are capable of anything. Friends don’t let friends settle. You can accept and love your friend no matter what, but I don’t believe in blind loyalty. What I mean by this, is don’t be a yes man who only tells them whatever they want to hear. That’s not honesty.
Toxic Friends Can’t Disagree Without Drama
There are ways to talk through an issue without being confrontational. It’s your duty as a friend to communicate your concerns in a way that is not judgmental. This leaves room for discussion. Still, you should know that even after talking, you might not change their mind. Your friend might still want to do or believe a whatever (dumb or unwise) thing, but this should not cause drama. As long as there is mutual respect and boundaries, you should trust their intentions and step back. As Alex Elle said on the Hey, girl podcast, “You can’t force people to hear”. Click here to listen to that episode, Car Talk: Friend breakups and growth
We don’t own our friends, and we can’t make them think or act the way we want them to. A toxic friend won’t be able to understand this. Compassion goes a long way in friendships, but so does open communication. You might be surprised to hear that your friend’s irrational behavior is due to an issue they haven’t shared with you.
If you find yourself arguing with your friend, and it’s starting to drain you, you should read my post about letting go.
Toxic Friends Can’t Respect the Word No
Your friend has the right to say no, change their mind, or have other priorities that might take them away from plans with you. You must respect that. Give them grace, give them the benefit of the doubt, and learn the difference between a flaky friend and a busy one.
It’s pretty much like that old saying, do unto others as you want done unto you. Be real, loyal, and transparent with your friends as you would with yourself. Don’t be so laser-focused with your own stuff that your friendships suffer because you couldn’t communicate your need for rest, or because you forgot that they have their own stuff too.
We are not perfect. We have our own internal conflict that we deal with daily from work, family, relationships, mental health, and even drinking enough damn water. It’s easy to get sucked into our own head, but your friend’s lives can be just as, if not more complicated. So give out frequent grace and compassion.
When doing the work to be our true self, the journey involves looking inward and outward. It’s how we treat ourselves and how we treat others. If you want to feel comfortable enough to be yourself and express your needs without fear, don’t be a toxic friend.
It Takes Time
Friendship shouldn’t be measured in quantity or time. Your tribe can be small but mighty. It takes time to connect to good people because it takes time to find your true self. It only makes sense that it will take time to find your true friends.
With Love,
Dani
Read and Listen
Dope Lab podcast LAB 026 – WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS?
Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close
The Art of Maintaining Friendships When You’re at Different States of Life
Images shot by Caroline The Photographer Blog Post edited by Meilyn Woods
